(I couldn’t resist yoinking this topic from Fier over at And Through the Wood. It’s the perfect start to this year’s PBP.)
I’ve started and deleted and rewritten this post about a dozen times now, and each time I begin again I think of something new to add. It’s getting a little ridiculous, honestly. It’s the start of the new civil year, and assessing where I am on my religious path is something that should be relatively simple. I should be able to take a look at where I am and what I’m doing…and then make goals and plans from there.
Yes, I’m shoulding all over myself again, and it is something that is on the list to remove from my life this year. Should doesn’t change what is, and the reality is that I’m finding it difficult to pin myself down in order to do a proper assessment. Who am I, right now? Where am I on my religious path? Where am I trying to go? Will I get there? I am finding it difficult, and that means that it no longer matters how the experience should be.
Let’s try this again, shall we?
2014 started two days ago, and I think taking stock of my religious life in the same way I take stock of other things at this time of year is a good practice…or, it would be, if I could nail down who I am, where I am, and where I’m trying to head. So, I’m going to look at those questions as writing prompts, like the ones at the end of so many FlameKeeping essays, and not worry about what comes out in response. What matters is a response at all, right?
Who am I, right now?
- I am a FlameKeeper.
- I am a Kemetic.
- I am a (self-proclaimed) arbiter of Words Mean Things.
- I am a (very) reluctant mystic.
- I am a pantheistic over-hard polytheist.
What does this all mean? Well, it means I’m forging a religious torque to wear that involves Ancient Egyptian religious practices, principles of FlameKeeping, the integral use of language, odd religious journeys and tasks, and deities that are both within the Divine and separate and unique…unless they state otherwise. Looking at it from outside, well, there’s no wonder I’m having such a difficult time writing this post. Sheesh. I’m starting to wonder if I’m going to be able to put anything down – I seem to keep adding on, and on, and ON.
Where am I on my religious path?
I’m here, writing this post, and thinking about religious work, and realizing that rather than being in a cul-de-sac, I’m at yet another crossroads. I have all sorts of work that I’m doing – Kemetic, FlameKeeping, mystery-based, Deity-given. I’ve written about some of it, and need to write about more of it, and somehow it all fits together but I’m not sure how. I’m looking forward in the direction I think I need to go, but I’m constantly pounding the ground with my walking stick at the same time to make sure I’m really still on a path at all, let alone the right one. There are siren songs in all directions, and the way I choose to move forward will mean something.
Fuck – I’m all out of eggs.
Where am I trying to go?
Well, if I knew the answer to this question, I’d be ahead of the game!
In all seriousness, I’d like to get to the point where I can answer questions from experience and with confidence rather than having to look everything up, or get a second opinion. I’d like to understand what my gods are asking of me (holes, anyone?). I’d like to be in a position to teach, perhaps, or at least be a resource for people on certain topics. I’d like to have my festival calendar memorized, too. 😉
So, somewhere solid. I’m trying to get somewhere solid.
Will I get there?
I think I will, eventually. I need to slow down, and take one thing at a time. I need to go back to baby steps in some instances – Dark Flame work, for instance, and honoring Nut on her Jubilees. I need to stop freaking out when I don’t know how to do something and ask for help (Divine or otherwise). I need to remember to breathe.
So, I guess these are my religious goals for 2014:
- Remember baby steps
- Slow down
And, of course, continue to write about it.