What am I waiting for?
The more I grow in my religious practice, the further I walk along this path, the more I realize that there’s a time to consider carefully and a time to jump off the cliff. I wrote about it in another post: overcoming my caution enough to be able to leap into the abyss and know I’ll be caught is not an easy thing. I’ve been able to do it from time to time; I’ve allowed myself to be broken down so I could be rebuilt. Hell, I’ve even helped with the rebuilding in the past and not just because Neb.y Set required it, but because I needed to see where the pieces went. I made that decision, and I jumped in without testing the waters.
But this latest work…these latest tasks are strange to me. I know they fit the whole, and I know once all of the pieces are together I’ll probably have an “a-ha!” moment but now…now? Now I am hesitant and terrified, and I need to get past it.
So, what am I waiting for?
The Sow Who Eats Her Piglets has been immensely patient with me as I dip my foot into the space between the stars and try to get used to it before submerging my whole self. She knew, she knew this would be difficult, and she’s as encouraging as she can be…which means encouragement in a way I can’t quite fathom and the feeling of “YOU have things you’re not doing. I can wait.”
She Who Spins has been showing me a way forward that I cannot comprehend. I ask questions, and she shows me again. “There are holes,” she says. And I know there are holes, and I can see them and feel them, and I think I’m supposed to go through them but my gatekeeper god isn’t helping because it isn’t his work, and I know I have to fix them but I don’t know how, and I cannot figure it out. AUGH!
(Anyone feel like making a call on my behalf?)
So. I have difficult things in front of me. Some I know, and some I don’t. I can’t see what will happen when I jump, but I know I need to. Dithering and twittering and running in circles isn’t helping anything at all. I need to do this. So, what am I waiting for? No one is going to tell me when to start. No one is going to say, “Follow these steps and all will be well.” No one is going to talk about team efforts in this case, or synchronizing watches, or rendezvous points. It’s just me, and my two deities, and endless patience and repetition until I leap.
Now is the time. Time to move.
Now is my zero hour.