A little over a month ago, I found myself in a lovely little religious cul-de-sac due to my own unwillingness to do what I knew I needed to do.
I won’t rehash all the particulars here, but suffice it to say I sought the advice of others who found themselves in a similar situation and then made a plan to go through My Heart, My Mother again with a notebook so I could outline things that would help with the work…which led to me figuring out exactly where my exit was and how to get where I need to go. Which is to say, I need to go through the Nut cycle, for real.
I’ve been struggling with this for quite some time because I am terrified of Nut, terrified of going through the journey, and terrified of yet more fucking transformation work. I belong to Set, for gods’ sake – there’s been so much transformation since he came into my life that I cannot even contemplate any more. I don’t remember a time when I haven’t been involved in some sort of transformative thing – I’m either prepping for it, going through it, coming out of it, or thinking about more of it…and I’m bloody sick of it.
And yet…I have to do this. I have to jump into more of it because clearly I am not where I need to be. So I will go forward at the New Year (Wep Ronpet) and do this thing, and I will document what I do and how it goes, and I will post about it in the hope of putting together some sort of thing to make it easier to do again in the future. I see myself doing more for Nut as I move forward and, as she is Mystery and Space and Time and Betweenness, I cannot imagine running out of things to do or becoming stagnant.
Unless, of course, I end up in another cul-de-sac through refusing to move forward. I wouldn’t put it past me, just as I wouldn’t put it past the Powers That Be to hit me with a clue-by-four when it happens.