Deep knowledge of one’s self can come through either great pleasure or great pain.
Even while writing the words above I knew they would sound like one of those fucking mindless platitudes that could be embroidered on a sampler and hung on the powder room wall. But, no matter how I denigrate the statement, the truth of it remains – we don’t really have as much insight into the workings of ourselves until something either goes incredibly wrong or incredibly right.
I’ve written about orgasm as a method of inknowing (to borrow a term from Marge Piercy) in another post, and I may touch on it again in the future but for some reason my mind is stuck on the concept of pain and not the good kind I’m sure you’re expecting me to write about. I’m thinking about slamming-your-finger-in-the-car-door pain, ache-in-your-lower-back-so-you-cannot-move pain, throbbing-burning-of-an-open-wound pain, itch-that-is-scratched-even-while-the-scratching-makes-you-scream pain, and especially excruciating-little-man-with-jackhammer-inside-your-sinus-cavity pain.
I hate the little sinus man. I hate him, and his friends, and his relatives and I hope that they die in a fire of DOOM. He spent all of Sunday in the sinus cavity under my left eye and I think he bought a new jackhammer. After two antihistamines (both 24 hour), two decongestants, finding out I was out of my prescription nasal spray and some general whining and bitching, I ended up taking an anti-inflammatory. Thereafter, I knew bliss and in that bliss I discovered that I could actually feel the size of the missing pain and the cavity from which it was evicted. Even now, as I write this, I can perfectly picture the empty calm space inside my face.
(No, the rhyme was not intentional.)
The fact that I can now recognize the lack of pain is giving me a new way of looking at my body…which leads me to wondering if this happens to other people too and, if so, it is a Thing? Is it useful?
I’m looking for input/feedback on this one.