Every so often I look at the path I’m on and wonder how the fuck I got here in the first place and how it is so far away from where I expected to be.
(sometimes I think the road to proverbial hell is paved with expectations, not intentions)
I’ve spoken in other posts, and in the world at large, about not choosing my gods. Both plucked me out of a sea of other people for some reason or another. Both speak to me; they use different methods, but they communicate with me on a semi-routine basis, usually accompanied by a sense of “Oh Boy, Here It Comes.”
A friend of mine has a theory about the semi-broken being better able to handle the needs of a deity and I must say that I resemble that remark. I have mental illness (major depressive disorder with occasional free-form anxiety), so in some respects one could say that my mind is semi-broken in that it doesn’t work through the same channels that other minds do. And, there’s no denying that my mind did not explode upon contact…although whether that’s due to the illness I really cannot say for certain. If it is, then I guess I finally have something for which I should thank depression.
My gods ask a lot of me, but in different ways. I mainly honor Herself through my job; She’s patron of physicians and health care, so my daily work suits Her very well. I also offer a beer when I remember, which pleases Her.
Himself is another matter – my daily activities aren’t naturally dedicated to Him, and so I get constant reminders that there are THINGS I NEED TO DO. Oftentimes, these reminders are accompanied by a soundtrack of sorts (see earlier posts about nonsense songs, etc.) Nearly always, the THINGS are outside my comfort zone.
For example, I’ve had on my list for quite some time that I need to be giving offerings of pain in such a way that a helper is required. I have yet to do this, for several “good” reasons…and yet, I’m drawn back to it time and again. It is something I *need* to do in order to grow and improve, as are all the things He requests of me, and the fact that some of them are scary and unsettling is just added incentive.
(A wicked sense of humor This One has.)
The thing is, I really believe that the scary and unsettling should be par for the course when one embraces a religious path. It is contrast that improves us, that helps us grow. There is no light without darkness, no pleasure without pain, no joy without despair. That we go through these things should make us stronger on our paths and stronger within ourselves.
The trick is to embrace the EEK. Allow it in and accept it for what it is – the key to growth.