As a pagan on a path of my own making, I have a small home in the state of confusion. When navigating outside that home, I often find myself walking straight into a wall like a character in a laggy MMORPG. My spiritual GPS sometimes finds it difficult to connect to a satellite…or maybe its maps aren’t quite up-to-date.
(I suspect this is a more common happening than people admit.)
Finding a path can be incredibly difficult even when one plans to follow an established faith. There will always be items with which one will not agree but have to decide to accept or reject. But, sometimes, no established path works – there are just too many ways in which the fit is bad. This is what happened to me, and why I am continually confused.
So far, these are things I know:
- I worship two of the netjeru. One came to me years ago and the other in late 2010.
- I have been thwapped by both deities. They speak to me through dreams and thoughts that are clearly not my own.
- I am a god-slave (more on that in the G post)
- I find some Kemetic practices to be extremely”right” for me, and others to be…well…not-so-much.
- I am a FlameKeeper.
- I practice Primal Witchcraft
- I believe morality is fluid
These are the things I don’t quite know, but will be important to my path:
- How to reconcile the mysticism I keep running into (see running into walls above) with anything tangible
- How to embrace the liminal while being afraid to cross the threshold (based on past experience)
- How to communicate what I do and what I know in a way that makes sense
And, of course, there are tons of other things I don’t know that I cannot even begin to write here since I’ve not smacked into them yet.
Confusion is probably a normal state of affairs, and one that should be embraced in order to be able to see the bigger picture. The problem is, none of the road maps through it make any sense, nor have I been able to route myself through it enough to make it comfortable. But, maybe that’s the entire point – confusion should shake us up, make us doubt, and teach us what we don’t know?
I have no idea, really – I’m too confused. I think I’ll go back to my little house.