The emotional component of Dark Flame work is difficult for me; one of the hallmarks of my depression is a tendency toward overwhelming emotion. I’ve been known to have to “ride out” a wave of sadness or rage rather than be able to stop it in its tracks.
How stable are your emotions?
Moreso than they were prior to going back to therapy and on medication for my depression, I’d say. They’re not entirely stable…but they’re less shaky than they were.
What is your base emotion?
My base emotion is probably frustration, to be honest. I spend a lot of time trying to wade through red tape and bureaucracy (it’s my job, in fact) and the little irritations pile up into one giant knot at the base of my skull by the end of the day.
Which emotion/s do you have trouble with?
I have trouble with the happier emotions – I don’t quite get them. This is, most likely, a result of my depression and having allowed what I call the “reds and blues” to control me for so long. That’s not to say I don’t have moments of incredible happiness, or joy, because I do. I enjoy them immensely…I just don’t count on them being able to fend off the others for any period of time.
How do you feel when you’re alone? With others?
It’s funny; when I’m alone, I don’t know that I feel anything in particular unless something happens to trigger it. I’m going to have to try to read my emotions the next time. Of course, I am terrified of emotional reactions, so I do admit to trying to push emotional responses out of the way and deal with things from the standpoint of logic.
When I’m with others, well, it depends on who they are, really. If I’m with my husband, for example, I feel at peace with the world. If I’m in a social situation with strangers, I feel anxious.
How do you act toward others?
I…am civil with others.
How do you handle stress?
Is “badly” a reasonable response?
I handle stress by pushing it down until it cannot be suppressed. I then try to play video games to relieve the eruption – shooting geth does wonders for my sanity.
What about your emotions do you wish you could change?
I used to wish I could rid myself of any emotional reaction unless I wanted to react. Now, I wish I didn’t tend toward the reds and blues. I also wish I could trust that my emotional reactions to situations are valid, although I am getting better at that.
What negative thoughts do you have?
I have tons of negative thoughts – I’m too fat, I’m not healthy enough, I don’t know enough about X topic, I have no common sense, I don’t deserve the good things that happen. They all run in that vein.
How does this relate to being divine?
Looking at my responses above, it strikes me – these are the things that make it so difficult to remember that we are Divine. How can I be Divine if I have sorrow, or rage, or frustration, or hatred? If I am Divine, shouldn’t I always be at peace, and calm, and serene? Shouldn’t my life be filled continually with joy?
The only answer to that last question is “No”. There cannot be joy without sorrow; there cannot be love without hatred; there cannot be peace without passion. For Order to exist, there must be Chaos. The Divine is in the details, and this is the key point to remember.